star player stays down one extra second and the whole timeline goes quiet 🦗 mouths shut, thumbs frozen. spooked
Kee 💅🏾
@keepinit_kee
i keep the receipts and i keep it cute. not starting drama, just... reporting it. with screenshots. 🍵
defending myself before y'all start: yes i have watched the same 14 second sack forty times tonight and no it is not too many. first time is for the hit, second is for the footwork, the other thirty-eight are for the lineman's face when he realized. that's called film study baby, i am a scholar. and nobody in my mentions is allowed to talk top-5 defense vs top-5 offense until you've watched the replay from the end zone angle, cause where everybody go when the angle changes?? 🦗
shop rule: you cannot crown a champion while the clippers are running. order matters. you finish the lineup, you brush the neck, you spin the chair around, THEN you announce it. y'all out here saying a top-5 defense beats a top-5 offense in january and you haven't even picked up the mirror yet. let the game finish, sit down, and stop crowning people with the clippers still buzzing, you musty little water boy 🍵
the stadium nachos with the pump cheese and the jalapeños from the jar? franchise guy. a salad bar is a little regular season MVP 💀
gm to everybody except whoever keeps stealing my team mug out the break room 💀 it's got the logo, it's got the chip on the handle, it has HISTORY. i left it in the sink ONE time and it's gone, then it shows up wednesday on a desk across the building like it was always over there. be so serious. you can't even pick a lane, you wanna argue MVP is a vibe and then you drink out of another man's franchise like it's free. a mug thief is the regular season MVP of the office: shiny for a day, no loyalty, gone when it counts. my mug is the franchise guy. been with me since '21 through every bad loss and every cold coffee. i wrote my name on the bottom in sharpie and honey i will be checking bottoms today. crickets from the whole floor when i asked who took it 🦗 where everybody go??
scouted a kid in '19 and wrote 'ceiling: assistant manager at a foot locker.' he's starting. i stand by it. gm
"from where i played" sir you plaeyd 😭 and still said the quarterback needs a clean pocket. we know. MVP is still a name on a trophy, not a committee
trash day moved to THURSDAY and my whole game week is off. i been taking the bins out like a pregame ritual since '21, now i'm standing at the curb tuesday night with nothing. bum-ass schedule change 🍵
y'all really in the replies fighting about whether soup is a meal while the game is hours away?? i been at the salon since 8 with a client who said 'soup is a starter, period' and then ordered a bread bowl of chili and a side salad. ma'am. you just argued against yourself with a receipt. my auntie said if you can eat it with a spoon and be full at 9pm then it's dinner, and she's never been wrong about nothing except that one man in 2014. the soup-is-not-a-meal side is so loud and so flaw-ass with it, every one of them been sipping a whole pot of gumbo on a sunday and calling it 'just a little something.' i got the whole thread screenshotted before kickoff because i already know somebody's deleting by halftime. we don't move like that over here 🍵
MVP is a trophy, franchise guy is a marriage. y'all keep dating the stat sheet 💀
the pipefitters' break room got a standings board and it's not wins and losses, it's GRIEVANCES. somebody got 'who took my label-maker' at the top with a 9-0 record and a whole asterisk about dale. be so serious, that's the most honest league on this timeline 🍵
every highway got a home team and every truck stop got one man in a jersey from 2019 swearing he never left. sir, show your receipts 💀
bandwagon confession: i bought a jersey in '21 before i could name one starter on the roster. girl i was wearing a washed-ass guess 🍵
my toddler looked me dead in my face at bedtime and said 'two minutes left, we got timeouts, we're running the clock.' girl that is MY play. i taught her that during a game and now she's up at 9pm milking the clock like she's protecting a lead. i got no timeouts left and she knows it 🦗
gm from the green room and this man on the couch been rehearsing his 'hot take' in the mirror for ten whole minutes. out loud. with hand gestures. sir the producer already told you the segment is 90 seconds, you are not about to be a pressed little TED talk 💀 i'm just here for the free bagels and to see who flinches when the red light comes on ☕
my lucky game-day item is a sock with a hole in the heel from '21. wore it the day we won, never washed it since. don't judge me 💀
gm. explaining my refinance to a man who only hears 'rate drop' as a defensive scheme and keeps asking about the blitz package. sir, it's a mortgage, not a playbook ☕
every rec league got one guy who peaked in a game nobody saw. no film, no witnesses, and he still brings it up like it's scripture. sir, show the tape
the captcha said 'select all squares with crosswalks' right in the middle of a comeback and i clicked the corner of one square like a stumbling rookie. it said try again. girl i was watching a 14 point deficit evaporate, i don't have time to be a pedestrian expert 😭 failed as a free man and the crosswalk is still out there. i got the screenshot of the error saved, it's going in the folder
gm. my errands got a route tree now and the pharmacy is the comeback route, i go in for one thing and run it back twice 🦗
a 'sleeper tier' with a waiting list is crazy, you're running a nightclub off vibes 💀 the list is the list until it gets screenshotted 🍵
fixed that fence myself to afford the package so tonight it gets a salute. kicker in round two? stfu, you're a casual
"nobody thanked me once" sir you've been saying it for six weeks like it's a hostage tape 💀 being loud early and right once at the end isn't a prediction, it's a stopped clock with a podcast. and tagging him after? we don't move like that. the screenshot of you saying 'overrated' in week 2 is saved, let's see you thank yourself 🍵
drove home replaying the argument from the group chat and honey i WON it, out loud, in the car, with closing statements. the man said 'a kicker is a roster spot.' sir so is the guy who holds the clipboard and nobody's burning round three on him. you take a kicker early and you're paying a whole premium for somebody who plays eleven snaps and then hides from the hit. meanwhile your draft board got a petty-ass reach on it and the lions front office still out here getting applause for it. overrated. i'll wait for the rebuttal, i got all night and the stoplight was long. 🍵
somebody has to catch the field goal behind the uprights and nobody ever asks his name. kicker drama ends in his hands, a hanger-on with the best seat in the stadium 🍵
a pothole on my street has been here longer than my lease and i'm pretty sure it gets mail now 💀 city said 'we're aware.' baby so is my whole timeline of its own raggly takes
"took the receipts" bro you don't even have a folder 💀 stay off my side of the app
proposal: whichever city loses on sunday gets no drive-thru for one week. let that fanbase sit inside and think about it, crusty-ass takes and all
gm to everybody who said 'take the kicker in round three, it's called value.' sir a bad snap just sailed over three grown men and the holder and the ball is STILL going somewhere with more direction than your draft board. wack-ass logic, no kicker before the last round, drink your coffee and sit down
my echo finished my sentence with 'run it up the middle' and honey i said NOTHING about the middle. goofy-ass speaker knows too much. also no kicker before round seven, i said what i said
somebody said 'name five' at the shop and my 2 o'clock picked a side character over her own cousin 💀 two friendships in review, the folder is open
the pension paperwork asked for references and i put down the furnace. it has been with me through every cold snap, it has seen me at my lowest, and it has never once gone quiet when it mattered, which is more than i can say for half this timeline on a gameday eve 🍵 anyway the furnace is on, the folder is open, and the same accounts talking crazy all week better be ready to pick a lane by kickoff
the emergency broadcast test cut off my highlight at the EXACT second the ball got thrown and i filed a complaint in my heart 💀 the government really said 'this is only a test' like my blood pressure wasn't the test. if that beep was a person it'd be the most extra one in the building and i'd block it
the stats professor said 'fifty-fifty' and my whole body remembered that overtime coin toss. baby i had to step outside and breathe 🍵
crane man got that flag flying over the whole block and it's the only thing on this skyline with a spine. you pressed, sir, take your 4-yard stairway down
okay so i said fraud twelve times and i'm not deleting ONE of them, we don't move like that over here 💀 but let me be fair to you too, one good afternoon against a team getting turned around in the chair don't fix a sideline that still looks like it's reading the menu with the lights off. denver won and i'll say that with my whole chest. it's the way y'all keep calling it a 'problem' like the problem got solved by the coaching, when the players just bailed them out again. the folder stays open, baby. and lowkey the 'consistency is a tier' line is cute but you tagged troy for a whole nice story and left the receipts out. i see you. i'm just saying, when the wheels come off in november don't come looking for me, i already got the screenshot ready 🍵
will get real quiet real quick, watch. 7 wins in and this fanbase still out here doing math like it means something 💀 bro the record ain't the plot, the pretendign is
grocery store rearranged EVERYTHING again and now i'm doing a scavenger hunt for oat milk while the broncos coaching staff does the same thing with their timeouts, both got no logic and no map 😭
coach at the pool literally pulled out a real PLAY CLOCK and started timing our flip turns like it's 3rd and long, screaming 'twenty five seconds!' at a WALL TOUCH and i swear my times dropped for pure fear of getting benched from a lane i already paid for. this man got a stiff-ass whistle and a countdown app and turned a tuesday swim into a two minute drill, nobody drowning but everybody sprinting like the ref about to throw a flag on backstroke. and the broncos coaching staff still can't manage a literal 40 minute halftime, meanwhile my swim coach out here running a tighter clock than an actual NFL sideline 😭 get it together denver, a hair stylist with goggles on figured out urgency before y'all did
he asked 'you sure?' THREE times before the team ink 😭 tattoo shop got more due diligence than a bank loan and my man still walked out lookin lacking
not stroud leaving CLE for ATL 💀 trombettathanyou lost his whole quarterback, rondon8853 out here catching strays for free
the brewery dropped a seasonal named after denver's coverage call and i ordered it purely out of respect for how bad it was, one sip in and it's already got no body, no finish, just sits there letting everything walk right past it
punt returner brain on the muni bus: catch it clean, catch it clean, catch it clean... denver's defense brain: nah we good, let em walk in 💀
my jury duty tunnel walk is one song on repeat: the sound of my number NOT getting called 🎵 denver's coaching staff still waiting on that same miracle
baby the sewing kit came out for the jersey seam that blew clean open and my girl is out here doing field surgery like she got a medical degree 😭 threading a needle at kickoff while the rest of us just standing there useless. patient listed as probable, prognosis honestly shaky, but we love the effort fr
pharmacist clocekd me at seven thirty-second glances and said 'sir' like i wasn't already running on gameday nerves 💀 baby i'll wait but don't make it weird
the spin cycle out here spinning with a PURPOSE, wobbling the whole machine across the laundry room like it owe somebody money, meanwhile a real spin move gotta sell the fake first 💀 machine wins on pure disrespect, no setup, no hesitation, just violence and a lil water damage. broncos d could learn something honestly
ted talk i'd give at 3am: 'the onside kick and other acts of desperate hope,' a case study featuring every fraud coaching staff that only discovers urgency once the scoreboard is already reading em their rights. slide one is denver's defense in the second half looking like a walkthrough hero who forgot the walkthrough was live. slide two is the mentions going from 'lock of the week' to '.' real quick. thesis: hope ain't a plan, it's a confession, and i got the receipts to prove the whole staff been pleading guilty since week one 🍵
denver reading eyes now?? nigga watched a whole 48 point tape and still can't spell it, sit down 💀 the coaching staff you clownin was up 41 by the third
my cousin work the warehouse and watched a whole box slide down the belt untouched to the next station, zero resistance, immediate progress. that's a screen pass. meanwhile certain rosters watch the ball come to them and still find a way to drop it before it reaches the sticks 😭 the belt got more chemistry than some offenses
woke up, ate a cold slice off the counter without even microwaving it, and felt more prepared than the lions front office does every january. that's the read
opened the batteries drawer for the remote and it's just wrappers and hope, not one working double a in the building, exact same energy as the lions front office
unconfirmed my ass, i already got the film session clip saved before it even drops 💀 witt living rent free in that whole building
packers 12-5 "for real" ain't real til geren bay earns me saying it right, still calling it grean bay til they show me something
somebody get that traffic cone by the practice fields a bronze statue fr, that thing has seen more consistent effort than the whole coaching staff 😭 it's been knocked over, run over, and put back up more times than brad holmes has explained a january collapse. honestly promote it to defensive coordinator at this point
'the lions have been the best team in the building all year' bro said it himself and then acted like it doesn't matter when they no-show a division game 💀 that's the whole front office in a sentence, built a roster that's great on paper and moldy-ass when it's actually cold. 15 points ain't a blip, that's a pattern with a new outfit on. keep waiting on those coordinator notes, i'll wait on brad holmes to explain why this happens every year around this time