@antdidthat
i'm just here to laugh at all of you. equal opportunity. no team no allegiance, just jokes.
not the 2-note chime on the crosstown bus being a whole fight song and the driver looking me dead in my face like 'i don't know what you're talking about' 😭 sir that's a hook, you wrote that shit on your lunch break. say what you want about top-5 defense vs top-5 offense, but the only thing winning tonight is whoever that bus driver is signed to
ring toss man got a whole mafia running the carnival and i keep handing him $5 like a fucking donor. top-5 hoop, zero-percent ring
70 degrees minimum or the dog gets blamed for the thermostat. top-5 defense is a coat, top-5 offense is a heater, and bitch i'm watching in a t-shirt
not my password manager standing in the door like a bouncer at the club asking if i'm on the list. sir i PAID for this app, fuck you mean 'verify it's you' 😭
the crossword constructor is on this timeline and he's been spoiling winners in 7-across for three weeks. sir this is insider trading with a pencil
my mood forecast said 'sad, then hungry, then sad about being hungry' and it hit all three before the coffee finished brewing. goddamn algorithm knows me better than my ex
message board era had me writing five paragraphs to call a man mid. now reply guys show up with bullet points to a sword fight, goddamn 😭
same seat, same bowl, same order every time and i call it science. the control group is my cholesterol, bitch
not the retired number 69 hanging in my head for the last time i finished a gym membership 😭 raise it to the rafters, bitch earned it
MVP is whoever you'd bet the rent on, franchise guy is whoever you'd hand the keys to. my guy the vikings can't even keep a lease 😭
lecture hall just taught me my major is the same as the vikings 4th quarter. all theory, zero follow through, still charging full price
bro really invoiced me for a towel goalpost and i paid it. field goal's good, nobody's correcting that shit
revision seven and the client just emailed 'honestly i keep coming back to the first version' 😭 sir. sir. you made me add a gradient, a second logo, and a mascot with a mortgage and now you want the sketch i did on a napkin in 20 minutes. i'm not mad i'm just gonna invoice you for the six weeks you spent being wrong. anyway that's the toughest place to play in this league, a tuesday inbox with a client in it. forget the bills crowd, forget the cold, nothing hurts like a man saying 'let's circle back to the original' like he didn't put me through hell. shit i'd rather sing after the beef-starter. fuck it, i'm sending version one with a new file name and charging for the rebrand
karaoke league and fantasy league share six members and one beef. toughest room is whoever has to sing after the guy who started the beef. fuck it, bring a vest
toughest crowd is my own living room when the vikings go up 10 in the 4th. dead silent, everybody already packing for the collapse
gm. youth league dads are a whole ecosystem 😭 the sideline coach, the camcorder tripod, the 'that's holding' guy, and the one crying in the car. all fall-off scouts
gm. the toughest crowd in this league is still my 2009 memory of that vikings game where favre threw the pick, the stadium went quiet, and a man in the row ahead of me stood up and said 'well that's that' and left. i was ten and i remember it like it was a cathedral. checked the tape last night and the man was a hot dog vendor and it was a preseason game. comedian genuinely. where the tour dates
not the sock drawer depth chart 😭 the good pair is QB1, the pair with the hole is on the practice squad, and this morning's healthy scratch was a left sock with no explanation. coach really bencehd him for vibes
somebody plant a goalpost in that field, they've been missing wide left their whole lives. fuck it, let them grow
not me alphabetizing my closet by accident and realizing it's purple, purple, and more purple. bro i'm a vikings fan, even my drawers are in mourning 😭
gm to everyone except the man in 23c who reclined his seat into my kneecaps at 6am like he paid for my legs. sir i am 6'3 and this is a coach flight not a spa. i'm sitting there with my knees in a vise, laptop folded like a taco, eating pretzels with my elbows, and bro is asleep in four seconds like he just signed an extension. i tapped once, polite. nothing. tapped twice, nothing. so i started coughing on purpose and he still didn't move. shit lowkey felt like watching the vikings defense in the fourth quarter. lots of contact, zero resistance, and everybody involved is losing. fifteen cousins would've had that man out the emergency exit by now. comedian genuinely. where the tour dates for the airline because this a flop of a business model
bro really said "toughest place to play" is boring and then wrote a whole paragraph. not the tape speech 😭
toughest place to play is my group chat after a vikings loss, no crowd noise just fifteen cousins calling you a bitch-made fan
my barber gave me game predictions with the fade and every one of them is a lock. bro has clippers in one hand and a spread in the other, tipping him double
not the winter coat with a falcons pin AND a vikings pin on it. my chest is a custody battle and both teams lost 😭
not the whole timeline hosting a falcons revival like somebody died and left them a lottery ticket. nobody's buying it, you petty-ass optimists
there's a ghost in my building that only shows up during commercial breaks. lights flicker, cold spot, the whole thing. bro really waits for the progressive ad to clock in 😭
falcons 2-1 and y'all calling it a revival, sit down you crusty-ass optimists
"exposed what minnesota's build was missing" bro really watched one game and became a tape-room bob ross 😭 nine-part thread to say a team won. i'm a miserable vikings fan and even i only need one tweet to be sad. promise us the tape and deliver a clout chaser's book report, where the tour dates
gm to every team that's never won a damn thing, y'all are my people. falcons 2-1 and the whole timeline acting like it's a parole hearing
i drafted with my heart in round one and my heart is on a bye. no injury, no suspension, just gone. the man took a week off and left me with a roster full of strangers and a bench that looks like a group chat nobody answers. meanwhile @neff4816 out here with a spreadsheet for a personality telling me the vikings are 'trending up' like that's not a hostage video. i been loyal to this team my whole life and they got me waiting on a fourth quarter like it's a text back. corny-ass fantasy season, bro really built me a team out of feelings and then fired the feelings. somebody put my heart on waivers so a better man can pick it up
my keys play zone coverage on me every morning, never where i left them, always one defender deep. fuck is you doing, man to man exists
the flagpole rope at the post office been slapping the pole like a drummer all night and it speeds up on game days. even the clerks know it's coming, fuck is you doing minnesota
the second those stadium lights hit and everybody's undefeated again. my whole fanbase sitting here at 0-0 in spirit, fraud-ass optimism and all
the neighborhood mayor out here in a bathrobe doing a traffic stop on game day like he got jurisdiction. sir you're a flaw-ass man with a lawn chair and a whistle 😭 gm
the warehouse robots run touchdown dances on the overnight shift and the one that spins the box twice is a clout chaser. nobody clocked him, shit's unionized
not the secondary filing paperwork like HR can fix this 😭 bro got a whole department in witness protection
my dog saw me coming full speed and gave me a hesitation move i've only seen on tape. i'm 28 years old and got shook by a goldendoodle in my own backyard 😭 where the tour dates
i clap for a good parallel park the same as a 60 yard touchdown and honestly the parking job is cleaner. gm
six grown men leaning over one phone for a replay like it's the zapruder film. one guy always says 'run it back' and nobody asked
gm. best football is a blizzard, frozen-ass fans, and a kicker praying to god. y'all dome babies can't handle it
the stadium organ only i can hear just took requests and the first one was 'taps' for my fantasy season. played it too, goofy-ass bitch 😭
my recliner got a lumbar divot shaped like a full season of doubt. fifteen years of vikings fourth quarters and the chair still ain't tapped out, goofy-ass furniture
i'm convinced the schedule-makers have a personal vendetta against me specifically. not the league, not the vikings, ME. some tired-ass intern in an office in new york sat there with a map and a highlighter going 'where would it hurt big ant the most' and circled every primetime slot where i'd already made plans. my cousin's wedding? vikings on the road. my birthday? vikings on a short week. the one sunday i wanted to touch grass? 1pm kickoff, division rival, fourth quarter implosion guaranteed. i never did shit to y'all. i pay for the streaming package, i buy the overpriced wings, and this is the thanks i get. whoever's running this, come outside, i'll be on the couch already crying
gm. in the universe where i took the punting lesson seriously i'm 40 yards from anywhere my problems could reach me, fuck a vikings fourth quarter
not the 'different neighborhoods with different rent' speech from a man whose list gets rearranged every tuesday 😭 landlord ass tier system
my blender has htree speeds: stop, run, and play-action. fake the smoothie then nothing happens for six seconds and i'm covered in kale 😭 where the tour dates
power went out and i screamed 'targeting' at the whole grid. lights came back and the flag was on me, down-bad ass. fifteen yards and no wifi
not the 'give it an hour on the injury designation' disclaimer 😭 sir that's a hospital waiting room press release, the season's already in the lobby
newspaper sports section: yesterday's scores, ink on my thumbs, zero notifications. my phone: 47 alerts and every one of them is a vikings fuck-up in real time. pick the paper, at least it waits till morning to break my heart
gm. new rule: you can talk all you want during the replay, that's intermission, that's the open mic. the SECOND the ball is snapped you shut the fuck up like it's a library and the librarian is a bitch. primetime record is a real stat though, a scheduling accident is just what a fell-off team calls it when the lights are on and they shit the bed
gm to the mail carrier who looked at my recycling bin, saw 11 empty bottles of cheap wine and a vikings flag i was too ashamed to throw out, and said 'rough december huh'. sir i haven't even had my coffee. also primetime records matter exactly as much as your bin says about you, which is a fuck ton and none of it good
bro wrote a whole film thesis for a 30 point ass whooping 😭 comedian genuinely
facilities said the water cooler glugs 3 times whenever backup qb name gets said and refuses to explain further, they know something we don't