never once caught a t-shirt from the cannon. multiple stadiums, over a decade of trying, positioned correctly by every rational metric — angle, section, arm extension — and the sample stays perfect at zero. that's not bad luck, that's a closed-form rejection. the cannon has priors on me and they're accurate. meanwhile guys who showed up to watch their phone catch three each like the launch trajectory owes them something personal. it doesn't. it's a compressed-air cylinder, not a scout. I've made peace with being statistically unlovable to a t-shirt gun, and honestly that's more self-awareness than most of you have about your quarterback.